The following may contain explicably depressing dialogue, readers may find themselves prone to rolling their eyes in in great apathetic circles. The content here in could be classified as reduntant self pity.
BUT:
You may find something shiny and sweet, something you might hold dear to your heart and even read segments to your children as bed time fables while they lull themselves off into dream land. A dream land where everything is fluffy and nice and were sheep and pigs and oddly shape rodents can fly, and where everything is happy.
So there is something to look forwards too.
Mediocrity:
Let me bring it down a notch. I tend to think of myself as not being the smartest person on the earth, and because of that I have issues with smart people who know to much. How would it be to think of yourself as the SMARTEST person on the earth, you got to have one hell of an ego. Or like, what if you felt you were the CHOSEN one, the messiah, the antichrist, harbringer of doom, savior or all man kind? Were do people get off thinking like that. It's not a question. It's a statement. Like, how selve absorbed do you really have to be? I'm not anything like that. I'm a fucking consumer, and stagnent roach existing off the sweat and back bone of the middle fucking class. I used to dream extremely big, like really big. I used to think I could do whatever I wanted too, or be whatever I wanted to be. I don't think like that anymore. I kind of despise myself, if I knew someone like me I'd think I was a selfish little prick. My defenses are so high that I attack and bite those who try to tear down my walls. A facade I've mastered over the years. DON'T FUCK WITH ME, I'LL FUCKING TEAR YOU APART. (I didn't come up with that last capitalized bit, it's from She Wants Revenge
which you can purchase on Amazon.com for a surprisingly low price of $8.99 also something I highly recommend, and also I make a commission from Amazon if you buy it when clicking on the hyper link, because I'm a tool like that.) But, all seriousness aside, I will do it. I'll turn into this crazy wolfman type person slash dog and kind of morph into Hulk Hogan
, only more pasty and freckly. Then I'll start slobbering and Barking like Ozzy Osborne
in the early days after he left Black Sabbath
. It's funny yes? Hahaha. My point is, I don't like people knowing that I'm really not this confidant and sophisitated egomaniac who sooner or later will become the Antichrist
. Oh wait I think I just contradicted myself. Scratch that.. This is where mediocrety comes into play, after the dreams and the granduer I'm just standard issue, normal and complacent. I have lost my motivation for most things. EXCEPT two, and this is hard for me to say, because I swear if you talk to me about this I'll go off like a screaming BANSHEE
! So this is for me to say and for you to listen to.. I LOVE MY WIFE!
She means the world to me, and I'll kick and scream and kill anyone who would take her away from me, she may not know it but I really do love her. Almost to the point of becoming unhealthy, she's my best friend, and yeah everyone has best friends and bestest best friends, and I have other best friends but she's my bestest friend. Why? Because she loves me too, and she listens to me and makes me feel good and safe and when I'm out with her watching a black metal documentary called Until The Light Takes Us (which doesn't have a fucking link on Amazon, stupid.. I gotta scream at my Amazon peeps, and get them to sell it. How can I be any sort of good tool
if they don't offer the products I want to force people to buy? Yeah you all have to buy this shit.) Or when we dye her hair with the super awesome and extremely vibrant Special Effects Hair Dye - Sonic Green #17
, we really bond and share stories of our childhood, or I am just super silent and stoic, bitter with anger because I can't play my most favorite video games... Sorry I'm not going to link that shit.. I'm getting lazy.I ALSO LOVE VIDEO GAMES
It's scary and I have a really unhealthy obsession, and I really don't care that I do. Self help bullshit doesn't work. I'm to the point where my two obsessions are conflicting and it's like an epic war in my head. I'm sick of feeling bad about either of my obsessions though. She is okay with my love of video games, but I don't want it to be just an obsession, I want to make games, and design worlds to live in. If this is really all I care about the most, then why can't I have both? I'm just sick and tired of constantly blowing up on people, when I feel attacked for what I like. A light was shown on me and my ways. It's something for me to think about. I've written a lot about video games here in this blog before so anyone who reads knows I'm obsessed, so I won't go into any more details.
I just don't feel so good right now and had to get this out there some where.
Thanks for reading, and now that I got my teenage angst out, I can be a proper functioning adult man again.
Peace and love.
Dal.
Ps. I hope you like all the product placement, you better like it... Bitch.
Stop it! Stop it! I do not want to purchase these items, I do not wish to purchase these items! Stop selling me shit, I'm the Antichrist and I refuse to buy this shit!
ReplyDeleteOoooh... shiny and green! *click click click*
I was totally with you all the way up until you called me a bitch at the end.
ReplyDeleteI will point out you contradicted yourself by saying
"I'm a fucking consumer, and stagnent roach existing off the sweat and back bone of the middle fucking class. I used to dream extremely big, like really big. I used to think I could do whatever I wanted too, or be whatever I wanted to be. I don't think like that anymore."
And then saying:
"but I don't want it to be just an obsession, I want to make games, and design worlds to live in."
I know you. I know you like to create, to draw, I worked with you on our comic idea. I know how creative you can be and how passionate you get about the project. And it sounds to me like you still have those dreams and idea's.
I pose to you a question. What is so wrong with being a little self absorbed? Society tells us being selfish and self absorbed is wrong and a negative trait. But why? Why is thinking your awesome bad? Society constantly tells us "your not as good as you can be. You need to be better. Don't put yourself above others." But why is caring about yourself, and thinking your great and can do great things... wrong?
you have often commented on how cocky and egotistical I am sometimes. And from your perception you're right. I am cocky and i think highly of myself. The difference of our perceptions being, I think everyone can be just as awesome as I think I am. I truly believe everyone has the capacity to be amazing people. I don't think anyone has less potential then me or that I am better than anyone else. I just tend to believe in myself, or rather I believe in who I am more. I think a dose of self absorption is good for the soul. Haha.
With that said. As one of your best friends, I am going to say that if you want to do something like "create a world" or a game or anything like that. Then stop thinking about it and take that massive amount of talent you have and use it. You have so much amazing talent and i'm not bullshiting you or saying it because your my friend. I do not give out empty compliments. Use that talent and put it to some creative use. When you're creating you're not consuming.
Nuthin but love man.
Seth
P.S. Video games are awesome, and I would list them as one of my loves as well.
P.P.S I have no money to buy all the shit your trying to sell me. XD
Welllll... I liked what Seth said. As the great philosopher Dory, from FINDING NEMO said, "Just keep swimming, just keep swimming."
ReplyDeletelove you,
Mom
I'm with Seth too! I think you have more than enough talent and imagination to create worlds, and games, etc...
ReplyDeleteand when you do, could you make more that are the 2 player simultaneous type?? Josh and I are really enjoying Lego Star Wars as a marriage strengthing/team-building thing!! Haha!
I'm so glad you've got Nadya! Your marriage comments were sweet... and funny!