Why do we choose to constantly fail, and be judged by those around us? A friend of mine wrote an interesting post about empowerment, and it made me think alot about how we allow the things around us effect us. Just because your peers don't seem to value you, or confirm your greatness, doesn't mean your any less of a person. Condescending, self absorbed narcissism, hypercritical behaviors... That's just the way I see things. That is the way I see myself sometimes. Is my love for you any less because you choose not to see how much I support you and hold you, regardless of how you think I may view you or what you do? I don't think it is any less, is it any less because our conventions are different and traditionally we break the rules? Should I feel bad about the fact that we may have different views on so many different things? Should I feel bad because, what used to be so precious to me seems to be a distant memory of us drawing everynight? Or that we would drive for hours on end in the old Caravan, listening to our favorite bands and just talking about the whatever? Or that when we used to talk every day, it's dwindled down to more or less talking maybe once or twice a month? I dunno, somehow these things effect me, I don't know if they effect you. I'm pretty sure they do. Maybe it's just my self involved reality, maybe it's my need to seek confirmation.
I had the most amazing day on Saturday, thanks for making it special.
And it reminded me just how important it is to spend time with the people I love, just to be in their presence, and listen to what they have to say, and take a breath and enjoy the moments together.
Maybe now that my car's gone, I can just get another Caravan and we can just go back to the good 'ol days, eh? Seriously, I miss those days. I miss just being able to talk about anything and the connection we had. I know we've said it before (mostly when we're drunk), but you guys are my best friends. I have a feeling we always will be. We might grow up or apart, but I feel the connection we had in the Caravan days is still there. It's just harder to see these days. I'm not really sure where I'm trying to go with this, but seriously, don't forget about me. I'm still here. I'm just harder to see.
ReplyDeleteJosh - I believe it's still there too, Josh. I won't forget about you, I think about those experiences, and I think of all the new ones we've had and we will have, only now our family is growing and expanding. But yeah discussing music for hours, god I really miss that with you.
ReplyDeleteI am glad that the post I made had an effect on you. I often think that the way I am sometimes either confuses and annoys those close to me, or they misunderstand. I tend to be very introverted. I keep alot to myself and while I am always there for my friends, I rarely let my friends be there for me. Although i do know and reckognize that they are, and they want to be. That's alot of who I am, I internalize everything. I think about everything. I analyze everything. It feels good to be able to write things out somewhere, and not care who reads it, but know that my friends might.
ReplyDeleteI get scared often that those closest to me, especially you dallin, might mistake my silence as aloofness, or uncaring. That I might be misunderstood and thought of as bored or uninterested in you or our friendship. When it is quite opposite for me. I have never stopped loving you, or supporting you. I've never thought less of you, or considered you anything other than my great friend and brother. In fact it's become far more natural to have you in my life, to the point where I do tend to stay in my head more. Because I know that when I need help or support you will be there, and when i have something serious I need to talk about you will listen. I don't feel the need to continually check on our friendship, to make sure it's still there. Because I know the strength of it, I know it will never wither or fade. And you have become so much stronger of a man lately in your life. you have shown such an amazing depth of courage and strength of will. It has made it easier for me to begin to think about me.
So when words go from everyday to every month, as you said, for me it is because I've lost any insecurity about our friendship. I know I love you, and you me. I do not question it nor our friendship. I take for granted that when I'm old you will still be there. The thought of my life without you and nadya and josh and meisha, is not even comprehensible to me at this point.
As much love as you can imagine
Seth