Here is another self serving rambler, sigh, I've learned recently that the world doesn't revolve around me, what a shocker right? I'm not the center of the universe and people get along just fine without me. I'm sad today because I've realized just how critical and severe I am to those that are around me. I have the ability to completely deconstruct people and point out every single tiny flaw I might see in them, why I would consider it an ability, I dunno, lately it seems more like a curse, but add that with a severely broadened range of emotions, and it elevates to an even more intense scenerio. I realize that this is one of those self loathing posts, and it really doesn't service any purpose, but there was a time, these reactions were initionally activated due to my own self defense and preservation. When someone has a problem, why do I automatically think it has something to do with me? Or somehow I can turn the entire situation from being something completely different, into something about me. It makes me sick, I make myself sick. So yeah, I'm sorry I'm such an critical prick, and it seems like I don't care, but in fact I do, to much sometimes.. I'd rather address these issues and try to resolve them instead of just losing everything around. On a side note I've really started to consider that I might need some sort of mood stablizers...
I'm going to keep thinking about this because it's something that is important to me..
CnS.
I, too, have been where you are CnS. I know the outcome as surely as I knew the pattern hence crafted by my actions; be it in force of words or commitment to protecting myself. I did not recognize the signs of what I was doing to those around me. I pushed rather than pulled. I punished rather than pronounced my obvious challenges that were all my own to rectify. For that, I spend far too much time alone and self-loathing and I would like to hope that you will not make the same choices and find there within the courage to make the necessary changes needed that will best serve you. It's not rambling, it's self-discovery. Thanks for sharing, CnS.
ReplyDeleteIt's good to know I'm not alone in this. Thanks for your words CM, believe me this is something I'm taking very seriously, hopefully I'll continue to stay on this track and just become more aware of how my words might hurt those around me, and while I can't change certain things about myself, I can definitely try a different aproach.
ReplyDeleteIt's interesting, as I found myself thinking "that sounds like me" when reading your post and go on to see an "I've been there before" comment and it made me think. I think the majority of us "are" or "have been" there. Your ramble makes me feel as if I'm not alone in my own feelings and maybe someday I might not be such a self-centered prick. Maybe. Someday. Either way, I wish you the best.
ReplyDeleteMy opinion on mood stabilizers- I haven't yet met anyone who has truly been helped by them (or maybe I have and I just don't know they're on them). The car business is full of people who can be as high and low as I've seen all in the same day. I've seen many of them try mood stabilizers and turn into walking zombies with glazed eyes. Maybe I shouldn't be giving my opinion simply because I don't have an answer for you. I'm not sure what would help instead. I hope whatever you find or do works for YOU. That's it.
Well that is a relief, Josh, I mean.. It seems like we're not alone in this, perhaps it's a trait in men? Thanks, btw we got to get together, and soon, I miss you.
ReplyDeleteAs far as the mood stabilizers, yeah I suppose your right, I mean.. I'm just feeling abit desparate and depressed, and am grasping @ straws.
I have to agree with you on this...
ReplyDeleteIt's pretty easy for me to pick apart things in others... It's just more fun to think about what others could be doing better!
And I often feel like it's my fault when people have problems... but then I remember Grandma R and how she does that... (you know how bad she is, right?) And I think those feelings just might be inherint, or normal.
I think it's pretty big to realize that the world doesn't revolve around us. I mean, how couldn't it? It's you... it's your life... not like you can get the perspective of someone else by jumping into their mind and becoming them. I think everyone thinks the world revolves around them... so when people actually do see things from other's perspectives, they almost wake up... you know?
This probably makes NO sense at all...
But here's the crazy thing... I read a book once called "How to Win Friends and Influence People" probably the best self-help-non-religious-book-that-I-felt-I-needed-to-hide-the-cover-so-others-wouldn't-think-I-was-lonely book I've ever read! Have you read it? It talks a lot about how people think the world revolves around them... so the way to "win friends" is by being genuinely interested in those people... in their world. And in reading it, and watching people... I realized that hardly anyone is ever thinking about others... it's mainly about how they look, what they said, how they are perceived, etc... So if you that's true, going back to the worrying if other people's problems are our fault, people most likely are just as worried that our problems are a result of their faults! Isn't that crazy??!
Oh.. (to make this post even longer...) I had a dream about you the other night! You and Riley were trying to get me to play this video game, and I eventually did, and had this totally insane, detailed dream about a virus that affected everyone etc... it could be a pretty cool game, actually! I'll have to tell you about it.
Talk to you soon!
I'm finding more and more people seem to share the same problem with me, it's reassuring and disheartening @ the same time, bc, well.. Maybe we're all just drifting even further and further apart. I've never read the book you mentioned, I've heard about it before I think. I've never been to sure about the self help books, but perhaps I'll have to pick it up. Thanks for the reply on this, I enjoy hearing yoru thoughts on the subject. The game concept sounds interesting, hehe, a virus huh, sort of like 28 Days Later?
ReplyDeleteJust found your blog, been hopping between links, hope you don't mind. I wanted to chip in my two cents.
ReplyDeleteI don't think it's just men, everyone is more or less self-centered at different times in their lives. I think it's healthy to be self-aware, because it causes you to focus on your own needs and goals so that they can be accomplished. In my opinion the problem lies with how easily self-awareness becomes self-centeredness, and yes I agree that it's somewhat disheartening to think that we are all that way. Evolutionary psychology would say it's a trait of self-preservation, but I think it's healthier to try to strike a balance between self and others and to be sure that in being self aware that we don't allow it to go as far as self-centered. I think it's something we all have to work on, maybe because evolutionary psychology is right and it's an innate trait within every living thing.
As far as mood stabilizers go. I know a few people on them. I haven't noticed a particular difference in their behavior with or without the meds, but they tell me that they feel less functional without them. From my point of view at work, it's true that people function better with them than without, but I think it's a sad truth that we've become so dependent on an artificial substance that stimulates our minds to tell us what to feel. I'm not saying I'm against it, only that because of the way that these drugs take control of our lives, I'd encourage you to try first to see if you can't make that shift in mood on your own. I love you cuz.
Thanks for your post and response Saralee, I am glad to know it's not just a trait in men, although I tend to think that we have stronger tendancies sometimes, perhaps I'm wrong there, or else it could be something to do with the stereotypical protocal we've been raised to believe. I sit and kick myself sometimes when I notice just how strong my heritage comes out or instances where I end up finding out I'm just as conservative and narrow minded as alot of the people I tend to judge. I've decided not to go with any mood stablizers and just try to work this out myself, thanks for your encouragement, I love you too, cuz.
ReplyDelete;D