Nicotine stains

This weeks obsessions: Blutengel, Combichrist, Beyond Good & Evil, Uncharted, RE5, Killzone 2, food, cigarettes (or lack of them)

I'm having some relative success with quitting smoking, it's been just about 2 weeks since my last cigarette, I've fought off a few cravings with a prime time every now and then, but it's been going well, naturally my appitite has increased, and I've been pigging out lately with food, which really doesn't help me much with my already distorted view of myself. I've become a royal pain in the ass to deal with, my hyperactive mood swings are pretty hard on Nadya I'm sure. I'll get really sad and depressed for no reason at all, or the polar opposite, happy and full of energy! I must say it's been amazing though, all my senses seem to be hightened, and kissing is amazing let me tell you, I feel like a little kid again. I guess I sort of am like alittle kid, but I don't think I'll ever really grow up. Whether or not that will be problematic I'm not sure. I have been thinking about something else lately, my obsession with video games, sort of annalyzing myself a little because gaming has been a past time of mine for practically my entire life. I don't know if it's a child hood issue or not though, because I always feel like someone is going to get mad at me if I play video games, I always felt that way as a child too. In my household video games were pretty much banned, aside from Commander Keen, we never had a Nintendo, or Sega, I would play over at my friends house all the time, and made them promise not to tell my parents so that I wouldn't get in trouble. In time my parents relaxed and were cool but still, I to this day no matter what always tend to try to hide my gaming excitement, and enthusiasm. I know it's become much more socially acceptable, but it wasn't the case back in the day. I want to make it more prominent in my life though, and feel more comfortable about it, because I want to work in this field, and I am proud to say that I am a gamer, and there shouldn't be anything wrong with that. Ahem, anyways.. Some would call it a time waster, and that they'll rott your brain, but it's just not the case.. Given I'm not going out to buy the latest Dora the Explorer game or anything, and you do have to still think about what you're spending your money on, but I believe games should be looked upon as a piece of art, or like literature. Most people think I'm just an over grown nerd, but look around you, pay attention more specifically to what your kids are playing, reading, watching, if your kid is playing Left 4 Dead, instead of punishing him or her, why not pick up the controller and slay some zombies with them? Don't ostrisize them, bond with them. I would have been awesome as a kid if I knew my parents were cool with what I liked. Fear consumes us all on a daily basis, stability, the future, the economy, and millions are retreating to the internet, to gaming, to movies, ever notice that? How much time do you spend in online or in a game each day, and just how much different is it than anything else? I could just be rambling about nothing, but it's nicotine stains on my brain.

I'm mearly a shadow of my former self.

So today I'm fidgety as all hell, I decided to quit smoking again, it seemed like the right thing to do, because I am pretty sick of smoking. Around this time last year I actually quit, and stayed away from them for 5-6 months, it was wake up call, I've been smoking for the last.. God... 7-8 years of my life? Anyways, I'm fiending pretty badly for a cigarette right now, so I thought I'd blog about it, haha.. It's like I could be running out and buying a pack of cigs right now, but instead I'll annoy the random person who might just stumble across this blog. But what the hell, I know I'm not the only one who smokes cigarettes, so I'm sure some of you can relate to the way I feel right now. A close friend of mine is also quitting so we're trying to support eachother, and it's always easier that way. Although last year.. I was all on my own when quitting. So yeah I'm hoping he'll make it because I know how badly he wants to quit, we even smoked our last cigs together last night, and I hope it meant something, not just another meaningless failure or attempt. My incentive to quit is the money I save from smoking, yeah sure it's also healthier on my lungs, but the price for cigs these days is rediculous, and given the current state of the economy, resources are tight. Also my beautiful girlfriend, isn't so fond of the smell.. I don't blame her for that.

Cheers,

.cipherinthesnow.

I'm like a leaf in the wind.

Pop culture, consumerism, media, movies, video games.. Comic books, anime, manga, inaguration, change, profiles, blogging, begging, starving, ranting, raving, sex, cigarettes, hate, spite, consume, food, pills, puke, death, death, truth, lies, blood, tears, work, smile, pacing, back and forth, too and fro, anxiety, waiting, dreading, hating, consuming, feeding, greeting, faking, smoking, joking, drawing, gaming, waiting..

I am a product of my society.